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Post by Taiomah Keshawn on Feb 6, 2009 9:39:26 GMT -5
{4 year post BD}
It had been a six months since Tai had returned to Makah in disgrace and became the bane of his mother’s life. It was with guilt that she came to realise that her son had become such a burden on her resources, but it was the truth. Not only that, but she was worried for him. She hadn’t seen him move from the sofa unless it was to go to the bathroom or to bed – some mornings she even came down to see him still dozing there – and he hadn’t been to organise his physiotherapy sessions since he had moved back from Florida.
Tai knew that he was pressuring his family, of course he did, but what did the outside world hold for him now? He didn’t see the point in going outside just to shuffle around like an old man, watching the kids play football and harping on about his glory days. Some glory days, he thought, bitterly, automatically flicking the TV from one channel to the next.
“Taiomah,” he heard his mother’s voice from the kitchen and looked towards her as she emerged with another letter from the clinic. “Are you ever going to get this sorted out?”
Tai looked away, “No.” A twinge of guilt assaulted him as he said it, but he had grown quite adept at pushing that particularly feeling to the back of his mind. He combed his long, dark fringe with his fingers and turned his attention back to the TV. He could almost hear his mother bristling, and he knew that he was being a stubborn child.
“Well you’d better get yourself cleaned up,” came the snippy response. “I’ve asked Rayen Young to come around. That girl always did you good.”
Tai stared incredulously after his mother, his jaw dropping a little. Rayen Young? That was a name that he hadn’t heard in a long time – did she really think that inviting his ex-girlfriend around was a good idea? He looked down at himself, the rancid sweats, and his greasy hair. He groaned, audibly, and shifted himself around on the sofa, reaching for his cane as he did so. He almost glared at it, he really hated that thing, but he needed it. Digging the wretched thing into the floorboards he yanked himself up, cursing as he straightened his stiff knee out. It took him a while, but he eventually managed to drag himself up to the bathroom, where he took a handful of painkillers and a very slow, laborious shower. He couldn’t believe his mother had invited his ex-girlfriend! They had such good times… back when he was a jock… and if he was quite honest, he was looking forward to seeing her again.
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Post by Rayen Young on Feb 6, 2009 13:31:36 GMT -5
To say the call had been a surprise was an under statement, it had been an out right shock. Even if a place as small as Makah reservation Rayen hadn’t seen the Keshawn’s since a fleeting glimpse at graduation. She had spent some time at Tai’s house during their relationship, though not the physical time, just the occasion dinners and a little study. The call the previous night from Mrs Keshawn had been a blast from the past.
When Rayen had heard her address herself a million possibilities flashed through her mind all revolving around her little girl Claire and the secret she and Emily hid about her. Could she have found out after all these years? Did she want to know the truth? Did she want to see her? Did she want her? Each struck fear deep within. How could the secret unravel?
Tai. She mentioned Tai and a who different set of question flood Rayen’s mind as she stood clutching the phone tightly to her ear. Was he hurt? Married? Dead? Back? Back! Rayen heard her say he was home, here on the reservation; close by.
The rest of the conversation had been a blur. Rayen remembered agreeing to stop by the next day. She couldn’t remember detail or reason she only remembered Tai was back.
The morning had been a rush and full of silence and lies. She’d pack Claire off for school listening to the little one’s sing song voice as she spoke about school and her friends and Quil; his name always came up. Claire had asked where she was going to day and for the first time Rayen could remember she had lied to Claire. The idea of lying to her daughter tore at her heart, especially about something as basic as visiting an old friend. Rayen said she had work. She wasn’t sure why, she wasn’t too sure of anything she was doing or going to be doing that morning.
After dropping Claire off at school Rayen slowly headed toward the Keshawn house on the other side of the reservation. It was a typical peninsula morning a steady drizzle falling and the sky filled with clouds that the slight wind couldn’t blow clear. It wasn’t a morning to be out walking but the slowness of the walk was the delay she needed. Walking back from the kindergarten she dragged her feet at every opportunity and was actually frustrated that no one was out to stop and talk with.
Rayen saw the familiar house a little way down the row of familiar houses; live in the same place long enough and everything is familiar. As she approached the house she tried to go over the conversation again. Nothing, she remembered nothing except his name and he was back.
Tai. Taiomah. She rolled the word around her head again for the millionth time that morning. “Tai.’ She whispered out loud. It still felt just as familiar as it did back in high school, maybe coz it was the name that followed through her mind every time she said or thought Claire’s name. Rayen had never stopped thinking about him, had she stopped loving him? That she didn’t know and wasn’t sure she wanted to address right now. She knew she wanted to see him; her heart was beating a little faster with each step.
As she reached the door she smoothed down her hair with her chilled hands and reach out to the door. A single knock and she stepped back wait to see him, Claire’s father; she knew that conversation wasn’t coming out into the open today unless he asked her outright. She’d never lie to him, but she wasn’t going to venture the information freely.
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Post by Taiomah Keshawn on Feb 10, 2009 20:41:45 GMT -5
It took Tai a long time, a mortifyingly long time, to shower and get ready. He was a strong guy, or at least he had been, and yet still he could barely stand with the bone jarring ache that set into his joint as it chilled after getting out of the hot water. He let out a low, frustrated growl under his breath as he tapped the little bottle of painkillers that had been lasting him. Empty. He would have to resort to over the counter medication, but as his thoughts turned to the possibility of going to the local clinic for all those check ups and physio he was supposed to have, with the risk of seeing the kids he grew up with, he knew that the over the counter stuff would be the right decision. He was already broken; he didn’t want to be humiliated.
However, a couple of hours later he was sat in the living room once more, though he didn’t get into such a comfy position as before – it would take him too long to get up again. He idly flicked through the channels of the television once more; allow his hair to dry naturally on his head. Luckily he didn’t have to give much attention, it dried naturally straight, though it was slightly fly away and obviously not styled in the way that he used to. Before too much longer had passed, Tai’s ears perked up at the sound of a knocking at the door and he glanced in its direction. He sighed deeply and scowled as he realised that his mother had gone out, leaving him to fend for himself, so to speak.
Getting to his feet took a good few seconds longer than you would expect, and he tucked the polished wooden cane under his left arm to support the broken knee beneath it. With the speed of a tortoise – as it seemed to him – he dragged himself to the door, hobbling the whole way. Just one deep breath and he pulled the door open to admit entrance to the young woman that stood on the step.
“Rayen,” he greeted, simply, his voice sounding rather rough, void of the glee of youth. Although he was still well muscled, they had begun to deplete a little with lack of use, his hair, now shiny, was too long, his face peaky and his eyes shallow. He was a shadow of the man he used to be, he knew it, and he had no confidence that anything or anyone would be able to change it. As he looked at her, though, he couldn’t help but notice the vibrancy of her being, she seemed so vital, a lot like he was just a year ago. He wondered if she was married, or a big business success. Was she done with college? “Come in.”
Attempting to obscure the cane from view, he stumbled back a little step, keeping a grimace from his face, to allow her entrance.
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Post by Rayen Young on Feb 13, 2009 18:49:16 GMT -5
The man who opened the door was so different from the Tai she knew almost 8 years ago, his hair was longer and his face a little shallower but Rayen would have recognized him anywhere. His voice as he said her name held none of the sounds that used to give her chills just a few years ago. Hearing her say his name brought the years flooding back and she couldn’t help but stare at him for a moment as he lent against the door.
Rayen still failed to remember any other details from the talk with Tai’s mother the night before and now couldn’t help but wonder why he was back. Every possible thing went through Rayen’s head in a flash as she stood there looking at him, from divorce to jail release. All seemed possible and impossible at the same time. Her head just couldn’t process anything as she stood on his doorstep. Rayen couldn’t help but feel like a nervous teenager all over again; no the mom in her mid twenties that she was.
Rayen kept her eyes forward as she entered the slightly familiar house. Stepping over the thresh hold was like stepping back in time and immediately she felt just as ill at ease she had every time she had visited this house as a love struck teen. She could probably count on one hand the amount of time she’d visited this house in high school and she hadn’t been to the house at all since graduation.
Entering the living room Rayen stood just inside the doorway and waited for Tai. The room was small and neat, not unlike her front room. The only difference been was the pictures; where as these all included Tai and something to do with football, at her house they were all Claire, Claire, Claire.
Dropping her eyes to the floor as she heard him close the door Rayen slipped her hair from behind her ear and shielded her face as she spoke.
“Your mother called me last night and told me you were home.” Rayen said all the while staring at her shoes. “You home for long, Tai?” His name still feeling famliar, if a little uncomfortable on her lips.
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Post by Taiomah Keshawn on Feb 17, 2009 15:06:47 GMT -5
As he watched Rayen stare at him, humiliation was quick to threaten the careful pallid balance of Tai’s cheeks. The blush never came, though, only the frown cut deeper into his brow. He pumped his fist over the handle of the cane in a nervous manner, sure that she had seen it and certain that she was judging him. He internally challenged her reaction; what would it be? Pity or revulsion? He turned his nose up a little and viewed her at a more distant angle. He didn’t want to get confused with stupid memories of youth when everything was just so unbearably happy and hopeful. Somehow he couldn’t bring himself to snap at her in the way he had done with everyone else that had tried to help him, so she was already at somewhat of an advantage.
Unfortunately his plan fell through as he saw her housed in the same environment as he had a few times in his youth, still looking so perfectly happy. If he had been in the state of mind to see it, he would have been impressed by her beauty and naturalness, which had always enamoured her to him when they were kids. He wasn’t, though, and he was just jealous, in the main, bitter. As he turned to watch her look around the room, his eyes did a similar sweep, his stomach knotting as he noticed all the photos of his successful career – almost career. His father had documented ever step of Tai’s progress through high school and college; the only picture that was missing was the most recent of him signing his contract with the football team. Tai had gotten rid of that as soon as he had returned.
“She told me as much,” he replied, his voice just as flat as when they had said their final goodbyes. He sighed audibly and began to shuffle forward, keeping his eyes averted from the beacon of his perfect youth. He couldn’t believe he had to reveal his weakness like this, he had no desire to do it, but he couldn’t exactly stand at the door the whole time.
“Forever,” he muttered, hobbling back to the sofa and pushing himself back into its recesses. He just wanted to sit there and be encompassed by its festering cushions, to disappear. He folded his arms across his chest, sullenly, and allowed the cane to fall down the side of the sofa. He really did look like a spoilt kid that had his sweets taken away from him.
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Post by Rayen Young on Feb 21, 2009 23:16:50 GMT -5
The carpet was still the same color as it was when she was in high school Rayen smiled as she noticed the lack of paint stains. At her parent’s place the carpet was spotted with speckles of paint from Claire’s frequent arts times the results of which hung from the refrigerator of every family member’s homes. A stab of guilt hit her then as she realized that there should be some on the fridge here.
Rayen pushed the thought away as she Tai spoke and she looked up. A cane? Why did Tai have a cane? She looked him up and down and again couldn’t help but come to rest on the cane as he moved slowly to the sofa. It was then that Rayen remembered the conversation from the night before. Tai was home recuperating from a football injury. How had she missed that? Had she been in such shock hearing he was back to actually take in the details or had she blocked it out?
Tai answered her question about been home forever and Rayen couldn’t help but feel worried and elated at the same time. He’d be around and might see Claire, but he’d be here and that excited the still teenage part of Rayen which she quickly subdued.
Focusing back on Tai as he sat on the sofa Rayen was a little perturbed by the look of a spoilt child that he wore so well on his features. On his face it was something she wasn’t use too, but the look itself was very familiar only normally it was worn on the face of her daughter. Their daughter, Rayen thought in a silent correction.
“You know, you’re a little old for sulking.” She smiled nodding to his arms across his chest as she crossed the room to sit on the sofa beside him. Been close to him would force them both too look at each other, something that had been avoided since she arrived. “What happened, Tai?” Saying his name again felt a little more comfortable this time, still stiff like a door not often opened. She continued to look as his face as much as she wanted to turn away, but she want the truth and hoped he still wouldn’t lie or fake a truth to her face. And while she sat looking at him, she could finally see all the resemblance that Claire really did have to her father.
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Post by Taiomah Keshawn on Mar 11, 2009 17:08:16 GMT -5
Tai’s eyes burned darkly as he sat down on the sofa, trying not to look at the young woman that he used to be so in love with. The young woman that he used to be good enough for…he couldn’t see her ever going for him if he had been like this back in high school, if he had been without his sporting charm. It was a ridiculous thought, and if he had been in a slightly less self-pitying frame of mine, he would have known it. All through his high school career, one of his chiefest loves of Rayen was that she never judged him just on his muscle mass. Okay, so he wasn’t the brightest of stars in the classroom and she had to tutor him pretty damned fiercely to pass his exams with any kind of acceptable grades, but she had always seen beyond his ability to catch a ball and run. However, right now, all he could imagine was her disgust in seeing what he had now become, but at least he had showered. It was more than he had done for his aunt and uncle who had come to visit the week before; maybe the pretty young woman still had something of a hold over him, she still made him want to impress.
“I’m not sulking,” he grumbled, obstinately folding his arms across his chest, trying not to look in her direction, where she sat all annoying and perfect. The years hadn’t touched her in the least, though there hadn’t been many that had elapsed between him leaving and being shipped back, but even so… she looked radiant. Where did she get off being so radiant? He shook his head a little, stuck between appreciation and resentment – it was an odd combination. He glanced up at her and for a fraction of a second he showed a ghostly hint of that old vulnerability that he allowed no one to see but Ray in the old days. It was extremely fleeting, though, before it closed off again.
“It was a bad tackle,” he said, grudgingly, forcing the words from his lips. It was clear that he never talked about it, nor did he want to speak about it, but there was something in him that felt he owed his first love something of an explanation. He sighed and turned away, allowing the sofa to support him completely as he looked up towards the ceiling. “Bad equipment, dumb luck – you know the story. Pretty much decimated my knee, so… there we go.”
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Post by Rayen Young on Mar 21, 2009 17:36:00 GMT -5
The longer this visit drew on the more Rayen was noticing that Claire was very like her father, form her pout as sulking to her insistence she wasn’t; which Tai had just lied about. It amazed Rayen that no matter how long they’d been away form one another she could still tell he wasn’t telling the whole truth about his sulking; maybe it was because she hadn’t been away from him really. Relaying his story about his accident Rayen felt a desperate to reach out and touch his hand or knee; anywhere just to give him comfort him.
“I’m sorry, Tai.” Rayen said a little above a whisper. “It was your dream I know and you deserved it. Can it be healed? Help? Anything?” She asked him hoping that concern showed on her face as she pushed it into her voice.
If he couldn’t return to school and leave the reservation then he’d been staying and all Rayen could worry about was keeping her secret; Claire. It would be harder to keep her from him and him from her if he was to stay. The idea scared Rayen more then the pregnancy had those few years ago.
“Well, if you stay on the reservation it would be nice to see you around.” Rayen said very non committal yet part of her would like to see him again, so long as it was away from her home and their daughter. “Perhaps I you could move into Forks, be closer to the hospital for rehab, or something.” Her mind was clouded with wanting him close and wanting to keep him away and she knew it came out in her words, but she couldn't strighten them in her own mind.
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Post by Taiomah Keshawn on Apr 2, 2009 18:45:59 GMT -5
Tai was careful not to shift his gaze from the nondescript ceiling, somehow knowing that if he found her eyes again his shell would begin to crack. He had spent a long time constructing the layer of protection over himself before moving back to Makah after getting out of hospital and losing his apartment in Florida. However, as he heard the words utter from her lips, he couldn’t stop himself from shifting his gaze over to hers. It was a tone that he had only heard a few times in his time in high school, but it was one that never failed to soothe his fractiousness. He squirmed a little, cowering back into the sofa, nothing like the strong, confident boy he was.
“I don’t… really know,” his dark eyes escaped hers again, not entirely sure why he was admitting his lack of participation in his healthcare. Maybe it was because he had the sneaking suspicion that if he didn’t tell her then his mother would interfere again and fill her in. Or maybe it was just because he was still used to telling her everything. Sure, they hadn’t seen each other in years, but it still felt natural to just allow the truth to flow. “I guess I’ve avoided it. It’s pretty obvious it’s not gotten better since it happened, though, so what’s the point?”
He made an impatient sound in the back of his throat, squirming once more. However, as she followed up by telling him that she would like to see him around, his attention became focused once more on her, the pinnacle of his youth. All at once his hard expression softened and he looked much younger, still a man, but youthful – the bitterness hadn’t affected him permanently yet. At the same time, though, even he couldn’t really understand the glimmer of warmth that her words had ignited. He didn’t still have feelings for her, too much time had passed, surely. It was probably another useless yearning for a return to his perfect youth.
“It would be nice to see you too, Ray,” he told her, quietly, before shrugging to her next comment in an attempt to look nonchalant. He frowned a little, able to pick up on the conflict in her voice and he wondered what could have her confused. Was she with another man? Did she think he wouldn’t be able to handle knowing that he had lost her for good? He had sort of already assumed that, those feelings before were just an echo of a past era, nothing more. “Moving to Forks… won’t be necessary.”
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Post by Rayen Young on Apr 14, 2009 23:42:25 GMT -5
Watching Tai squirm and look at her Rayen used all her restraint not to reach out and touch him, a hand on the knee or the arm was just friendly, right? Friends, weird feeling and place to be Rayen thought. She had no many things she should be telling him right then, Claire been the main one; they were missing out on each other and it was her fault she knew. Keeping to his injury Rayen stayed away form anything more revealing an intimate then that, so no touching Rayen told herself.
Had Tai always been such a defeatist and Rayen had just ignored it? No, No Rayen knew this was a Tai with a whole new attitude sat beside her. “”Have you don’t anything about making it better since the accident? No.” She said answering her own question and not giving him a chance. “You need to be an active part in your rehab and put all the effort into getting well you put into training back in high school.” Rayen told him bluntly. Listening to herself as the words hung in the air Rayen could hear the motherly tone in her speech and hoped he didn’t hear it; did she sound like that when she told Claire off?
Rayen watched as Tai’s face softened and suddenly he was just the same as in High school, but not with the maturity of the years; she saw the boy she once knew so well in the man before her. The face Rayen stared in to (Even if she tried not to) was the same face she’d stared into while fighting, making up, studying, everything all through high school. His eyes where the same ones she stared into every day since Claire was born. Claire, Rayen’s mind reached out for her daughter and suddenly Rayen wanted to hold her when she knew she couldn’t and shouldn’t reach out to hold Tai; yet she wanted too.
The man before her had given her the most amazing thing in the world, and he couldn’t even know. Tai had been the most amazing man in her life and she wasn’t sure he knew that; but now wasn’t the time. “If you stick around, we could catch up.” Rayen shrugged again. Ray, hearing that name cross his lips Rayen felt 17 again and she smiled. “Ray.” She repeated to him with a smile, “Funny how our names both shortened to the same length.” She said pointlessly, filling the silence with something not as awkward as wanted to see each other again. Rayen also thought how Claire’s name didn’t really shorten; she’d never noticed.
“If you don’t move to Forks you should set up rehab here. There’s a clinic now, over on the La Push Rez I’m sure they have rehab.” She said hopefully. No matter how difficult having him near would be, Rayen wasn’t sure she wanted him gone just yet; if ever again. In the Keshawn household again, with Tai was quickly stirring up a lot of familiar feelings, pleasant feelings. “I could go with you?” She offered without much thought and realized she didn’t really regret the offer. He was Tai, her Tai. Rayen couldn’t help but think that maybe her feelings for him weren’t gone after all.
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Post by Taiomah Keshawn on May 27, 2009 19:15:56 GMT -5
Tai swallowed and swung his head back so that it rested on the sofa behind him and he looked dully up at the ceiling, a view that he had more than become accustomed to in the last few months. He had heard all this before; he knew that he had to play the main part in making himself better, otherwise there would be no recovery, but no one had ever made him feel so abashed before. It was shocking, and a little bit annoying, to realise that this girl from his past still had so much control over him. Surely he should have gotten over her by now, this was really pathetic that she could still affect him the way she clearly was. He shifted a little, fidgeting uncomfortably at the thought.
“What?” he asked, turning to her suddenly as she finished her small lecture on what he ought to be doing with his life. “I’m now supposed to train to walk, to do something that I’ve been able to do since I was a year old?” he asked, heatedly, crossing his arms over his chest stubbornly. “Oh come on, at least if I can’t move more than twenty metres at a time, then I can only be a burden on myself. Who really cares? Even if I do all the physio in the world I’m never going to run again, it’s just… pointless.” He ended in a defeatist sigh. He really couldn’t see the point in motivating himself just to be able to hobble around like an old man for the rest of his life. His whole childhood, teenage years and education had been geared at getting himself fit enough to join the major leagues and without football he had nothing to fall back. He just hadn’t ever thought that anything like this would happen to him.
In his gentler mood now that he had raged and debated and pigheadedly refused to see any light at the end of the tunnel, Tai now looked at Rayen in a new light. Well, not a new light, but an old one, one that seemed to have developed a soft focus through the years. He couldn’t ever remember her being this authoritatively caring, almost like a parent, but that… wasn’t possible, was it? He shook himself internally, it was none of his business.
“That would be nice,” he told her, a gentle smile breaking the stubborn line of his lips, genuinely interested in the idea of catching up. He wondered if it would be painful at all, or if they would fall into the same old routine. Back in the good old days, they never ran out of things to talk about, him and Ray. But then, how could it possibly be the same? So much had changed and even more than he knew. “Are you… busy these days?”
As the concept of rehab came up once again a small frown creased Tai’s brow, but he didn’t look quite so angry about it this time, more dismal. To be honest, he was at a loss. Now that they had had their nice moment he felt he owed it to her – for some reason – to at least try, but that didn’t make sense. “Maybe I’ll look into it next week or something,” he offered, shaking his head a little in direct contradiction to his words. “I just… can’t yet…” He fidgeted uncomfortably, knowing there was something else he wanted to say, but he didn’t want to come across like the child he was acting.
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Post by Rayen Young on May 28, 2009 11:50:14 GMT -5
Rayen smiled, with amusement as she would at Clare, when Tai let his head loll back and stared at the ceiling. It was a move she’d seen him use towards his father when they’d been in High school; usually the look followed a rant by his father normally about a pass or her presence. Ray uncrossed and re-crossed her legs nudging his foot with hers as she did. “Quit pouting.” She said letting a little bit of the smile fill her words. Funny how even little things about Tai, like sulking, made her smile just like Clare. When her daughter sulked or had a tantrum, Ray always had a hard time hiding her smiles.
As Tai mouthed off and ranted Ray just listened she didn’t judge or critique, it wasn’t her place. He probably had a girlfriend doing that over the phone or when she visited, but Rayen remember he hadn’t had any visitors that his mom had mentioned. The arms over the chest made her smile again, but Rayen fought to hide it not wanting him to think she was laughing at his situation, she was actually laughing at him. He was been defeatist and it made Rayen mad to see him like this. “So what if you can’t run. There are other things in life then funning after a ball. I know you loved the sport, I was at every game remember. All I’m saying is why not just try to get some mobility back.” Rayen said trying to encourage not tell off. “Quit been such a defeatist Taiomah. This isn’t you.” She told him using his full name and liking the feel of it on her lips.
When Tai looked at her Rayen tried hard to look back at him, but she felt guilt and nerves forcing her to turn away. Mostly guilt, she was keeping something big from him and that wasn’t fair she know it. She could hear her mother as she spoke and she wondered when she’d started to sound like that, no wonder Clare rolled her eyes at her so often.
Meeting up and hanging out would be more then nice as far as Rayen concerned, it would be hard and a little awkward, but she wanted it all the same. She returned his smile as it broke his stubborn glare. He looked like the same tai she knew from the football field, happy.
Then he asked her if she was busy, how did she answer that? Yes I busy raising out daughter? Yes I’m busy lying to everyone? Yes I’m busy trying to be a mom and dad? All great openers and all left unsaid. “I’m working a little and living life, but I’m not exactly busy. I can fit you in, if that’s what you’re worried about.” She joked nudging his arm a little with hers and relishing in the brief fleeting touch.
“I understand.” And Rayen really did understand his reluctance to try something so hard again, it was hard to commit to something you knew had to be done but that hurt so much. She thought about how many times she’d pick up the phone to call him, or started a letter to tell him about Clare. How many times she’d started something that was too painful to finish. “I can go with you when you’re ready Tai.” She offered, wanting to support him.
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Post by Taiomah Keshawn on Jul 3, 2009 21:49:12 GMT -5
Tai allowed his head, still hanging backwards to allow him a stellar view of the ceiling, to tilt a little to the side and he slid his dark eyes across to his ex, not looking amused. He should have known that she wouldn’t understand, he considered bitterly, she probably had a perfect life. She was probably married and had two point five kids and her husband was probably a awe-inspiring athlete – all things that he should have done. He set his lips into a hard line and sat up again, looking directly head and petulantly avoiding his ex’s gaze. He let out a slow sigh, but didn’t say anything, not trusting himself to be rational as he realised that he was blaming the good-willed woman for things that were not her fault, for things that might not even be.
“This wasn’t me,” he said, darkly, despite the fact that he had sullenly told himself not to answer whatever she said. The sound of his full name on her lips, the way that she wielded it, distracted him long enough to at least make a response. He shrugged a little, declining to uncross his arms. He slid his brooding eyes back over to Rayen and looked her fully in the eyes, the way he always did when they had a serious conversation (though, granted, as teenagers their serious conversations were child’s play compared to this).
“It’s not that I think that playing ball is the only thing worth living for,” he said, telling a small white lie whilst maintaining a shaky eye contact. He had to admit that his final years of college had been consumed by the sport, especially when scouts had started coming to games and taking an interest in him. Potential. That was the word that he had heard about himself the most over the last couple of years, but it was all gone now. He remembered her standing there watching him on the sidelines of his games, when he still had potential, when he had her to distract him from what could be quite a self-destructive sport. Literally, in his case.
“It’s just… I have nothing to fall back on, do I?” he asked her, still brooding. “I passed most of high school by merit of being good at football, college I took modules that a monkey could do. I’m qualified for nothing, I have experience of nothing and add into that being a doddering fool reliant on a cane… it’s just a joke. What’s the point?”
The smile that had shakily broken his morose expression, grew a little as Rayen nudged his arm, once again introducing a little of their old banter, but at this point he was more in mind to play back. He had noticed that she hadn’t mentioned another man in her life; it was information that Tai didn’t quite know what to do with, but it made him slightly… satisfied. “Well if that’s the case, then I’m sure I could fit you somewhere in my busy schedule,” he quipped. “What do you work at?”
He bowed his head a little as he realised how weak he sounded when he said that he couldn’t go into rehab just yet. It was the bare-faced truth, though. This accident had really taught him just how much of a coward he actually was and the thought was unsettling. He sighed and looked up at Rayen, smiling a little at her understanding, realising now (as he couldn’t before) that of everybody he knew and had known she would be the one to understand how he felt now. She had always been the one to know him best. He put his hand out and found hers with it, his large one encompassing hers. “Thank you,” he said simply, but in a heart-felt manner.
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Post by Rayen Young on Jul 11, 2009 20:34:29 GMT -5
Rayen held in the sigh as she watched Tai slip into his sulk and sullen state. His absent stare at the ceiling was something she’d seen before, many times, usually when his father was critiquing him for something he’d done on the field. More recently Rayen had watched the sulking sullen absent staring on her daughters features when she was told something she didn’t want to hear. As she watched she again marveled guiltily just how alike her daughter and ex were. When he finally tore his eyes away from the ceiling his lips we hard and thin, a look that had often followed his absent stare and a look that Rayen had never remembered been directed at her as she felt it was now.
She felt as if he was blaming her for an accident he had when she wasn’t even in his life and in return she accepted her rightful blame. Could she have changed it if she had been in his life? Would it have happened if she’d have told him her high school secret? Would everything be different? Rayen twisted herself in circles as she though of what ifs and what would be as she waited for Tai to speak.
The use of his name was a weapon, a weapon that Rayen still new how to wield just as it was evident he did. His name could snap him out of things like this, it was a lesson she’d learned long ago, she also knew it could tempt him to things and take him over an edge. When Tai uncrossed his arms Ray looked at his shirt clinging to his still formed frame and she felt a familiar tingle travel up her spine. She knew it was wrong, she knew nothing of his new life he could be engaged, married or just dating but right then it didn’t matter to her as she enjoyed the tingle. His eyes locked on hers and she felt as if she was the only person in the world, it was a look he used on her even in a crowded room or football field to make single her out or start a serious conversation. Right now Ray wish it was the previous, but sense it was the latter.
It was easy to catch the lie of someone you knew the way Ray knew Tai, or hoped she still knew him. His eye contact wavered and Rayen knew he was fighting not to look away as he told his fable. “Tai football has always been your everything, even back in high school. That’s why this hurts so much now and that’s not wrong, but you have to pull yourself out of this.” Rayen said not sure herself how he could pull himself out of something that was threatening to consume his whole being. “First you have to get yourself up and moving.” She said trying to be upbeat without been patronizing, but she felt she was failing and the last thing she wanted was to depress him further or make him angry.
He was slipping into total depression and all Ray wanted to do was pull him into an embrace and tell him it was ok, but she didn’t know it was or could be if he didn’t help himself. “You are not a doddering fool, a fool maybe but that was long before your accident if you think you got by in school just on football tries. You didn’t you made your grades there not your ability on the field.” She said trying to shake him out of his brooding state. “The point is this.” She said gesturing around herself. “You have a family and friends that don’t want to see you waste away while sit on the sofa in old sweats!” She said firmly pointing at the room and his clothes. A family and friends; Ray wondered which category she fell into. “This isn’t you Tai, you used to be strong and a fighter, don’t let this break you, see it as a challenge.”
“Well once you’ve checked your busy diary be sure to call my assistant and I’m sure we can set something up.” She returned his quip with her own and smiled as she started to feel more comfortable with him, maybe they were friends; still friends. “As for work I’m a cashier at the grocery store here on the Rez.” She said knowing it didn’t live up the dreams she had in high school, but Claire had changed that; happily. “Nothing flash, but the hours fit around my things and the pay keeps my little car running and food on the table. I still live at home.” She said knowing that was her least favorite part about her change of plans after high school, but she was saving for something else for her and Claire.
When he took her hands the tingles she’d felt earlier increased to an all out shiver of excitement and electricity; in that second she felt like a teenager again. Letting her hand grip his Rayen smiled and nodded, she wanted to be his support and friend; or did she want more? She squeezed his hand and released she didn’t need to complicate things, how would she mix her two loves with out them crossing paths? “Your welcome, we’re still friends.” She smiled putting her hands on her lap while keeping eye contact with him. “I want to support you through this Tai.” She said wanting desperately to reach out and touch his hand again, but knowing it was just an added complication they didn’t need right now.
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Post by Taiomah Keshawn on Oct 6, 2009 8:00:33 GMT -5
Tai could barely look at Ray as he tried to downplay the role of football in his life. Okay, he technically knew it wasn’t everything; he’d been told dozens of times by his mother that there were other things to look forward to (contradicting the hundreds of times his father had told him that playing football was what he was made for – all he was made for). Still, that meeting with the scouts before that last fateful match had been the happiest moment in his life. Maybe other moments would have overridden the joy he had felt then if his girlfriend had gone with him to Florida. Would he have viewed the contract as such a big deal if his proposal for marriage had already been accepted? He would never know.
His dark brow didn’t rise as he listened to his ex’s advice rain over him. He knew he had started this conversation, but he didn’t like to admit how week and disgruntled he was feeling just then. He was a million miles from the young, strong, happy teenager that had dated her what felt like centuries ago. His dark eyes flicked to her, darkened now by self-pitying misery rather than the desirous darkness that often came about in their past relationship. He shrugged a little,
“Get up and about doing what?” he asked her, dully, now picking up the eye-contact that his slightly lie had broken. “I can barely move, it hurts. I don’t have a job, I don’t have anyone to get up and go out for. Half the guys that were around when we were at school are still away and you’re my ex-girlfriend.” He looked at her poignantly, though he regretted his rash, hurtful tone as soon as it had emerged. His gaze softened. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean that…”
He looked away from her as he considered her request to look upon this new direction as a challenge rather than let it break him. He could almost see in his head the old him scoffing at the man he had become over the last year or so. He had never taken weakness of will or motivation as a good excuse for anyone giving up on anything. Maybe she was right… but it was difficult putting the idea into practice. He didn’t like feeling weak and every time he moved he could feel how much weight he had to put on the cane; he knew he wouldn’t be able to get around without it.
Still, he couldn’t help but crack a smile as Ray quipped about him calling her assistant when he was free. For all he knew it could be true, but he couldn’t picture his ex-girlfriend relinquishing that much control over her life to someone else. She was always way too organised to need help; well, compared to him anyways. “Will do,” he told her, half smile stretching his face.
He was a little surprised to hear that she was only a cashier at a grocery store on the rez, knowing that she had ambitions to go off to college and make something of herself. Then again, he also knew far too well that people could change, whether it was a change in circumstances or just a change of heart. And he certainly knew that hadn’t been constant in the past. He tried to shake the thought of their break up from his mind, not wanting to spoil the slight enjoyment he had in the small-talk conversation that had begun.
“It sounds good, though,” he said, his tone now kind, much softer and closer to his usual tone than the past while had displayed. He smiled at her. “At least you’re happy, right? That’s what really counts. Do you get the big room now, or is Emily still living there too?” A genuine amused smile kinked his features as he remembered the unfairness of the elder sister having a bigger room than Rayen.
Once he had taken Rayen’s hands into his own, uttering his heartfelt gratitude towards her attempt at making him feel well enough to get help, he found that he was reluctant to let them go. He wasn’t sure why and assumed that it was because of the discovery that the instant understanding between the two of them hadn’t faded over the years. Even when he was sulking and being stubborn he felt more comfortable with her than he even did his parents. After all that had happened between them it made no sense, but he couldn’t deny that it was true.
“Definitely friends,” he reiterated, squeezing her hand slightly in confirmation. He dropped his head a little as she added that she wanted to help him through this, suddenly ashamed at how long this was taking him to come to terms with. “I know you do… And… I think I would like you to… It’s just… it’s going to take a while. You think you can still be as patient as you used to be with me when we were in calc?”
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