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Post by Rayen Young on May 21, 2009 17:20:05 GMT -5
{post Breaking Dawn....One year after Tai's return}
It had been almost a year since Tai had returned the Makah Reservation and Rayen’s initial shock had worn off only to be replaced, or taken over, by the worry of the secret she had kept from him for the past 8 years. Everyday Rayen lived with the lies she’d told and the secrets she’d kept not just from Tai, but from the Keshawn family, Clare, and even her own parents.
When Tai hadn’t been around it was easy to forget that the only man she’d ever loved was the father of a child he knew nothing about and that it was because of her that they didn’t know each other.
When Rayen had finally told her parent’s that she was pregnant they had asked who the father was and she’d lied ‘just a boy from town’ she’d told them. Even with her lie as explanation Rayen always suspected they knew that Tai was their grand daughter’s father. It wasn’t hard to see the resemblance, Rayen had forgotten until she’d looked into Tai’s face the first time she’d visited him at his parent’s place.
Makah was a small world and Rayen had little hope of ever keeping the child from the Keshawn family’s sight, but she had managed to keep Clare form their knowledge by telling them the same lie she told her parents. They believed it and Rayen could tell they doubted she’d ever love Tai if she’s gone with another guy so quickly after him.
Occasionally, Clare would ask about daddies and her friends’ daddies, but Rayen always managed to dodge the question. Explaining she was special and was sent by the angels, or left under a bush by the wood fairies. She knew it was youth that satisfied her daughter with these stories and age would make her more persistent.
Rayen wasn’t sure if it was Clare’s questions, or the knowledge that Tai was around that had made her think so much over the recent few months. More and more she had found herself pulled back to the decision she’d made in the girls’ bathroom of school all those years ago. Everytime she though about it, or dreamt about it, Rayen came to the same conclusion; she’d made the decision not telling Tai. It was his choice to make. He had a right to know.
After Clare had gone to sleep, and her parents were already in bed, Rayen had been pulled back into thinking about her past; about Tai and about Clare. Curled up on the well worn sofa in the front room Rayen stared at the various pictures on the wall and side board each one showed Clare at a new stage in her life; first bath, step, birthday, school, the list went on. Tai had missed every milestone and it was her fault. It was her fault that Clare had no clue that her father liked pancakes for breakfast, football was his favourite and best sport, and he had a birthmark at the base of his spine just like she had; Rayen had noticed it the first time she’d held her baby girl.
Maybe it was the thinking, or the lateness of the hour, that had Rayen pulling her coat on over her PJs and slipping her socked feet into shoes without a second thought. Stepping out of the house into the dark made it easier to follow through with what her head, or heart, had already committed too. The walk was short, shortened by the pace she walked at. Rayen knew if she thought about this whole thing again she’d back out, go home, and tell more and more lies; for how long she didn’t know.
Rayen didn’t check for lights as she approached the house, her eyes were fixed on the floor and her mind blanked as much as she could. Quickly she raced to the door before she could back out; she owed this to Tai and Clare, this and so much more.
Pounding hard on the door Rayen threw all her resolution in to the knocking then rested back on her heels and waited pulling her coat around her to keep out the cold. Her only though was that she hoped Tai answered the door after that, she didn’t know.
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Post by Taiomah Keshawn on May 26, 2009 8:28:01 GMT -5
Tai was in a bad mood. It had been two days since he had visited the hospital in Forks, at Rayen, his parents and everyone else who wanted to stick their nose ins’ persuasion, and the first bout of physiotherapy had been rough. Sure, he knew it was his own fault, if he had been doing this since the accident, as he knew he was supposed to do, then maybe he would be more or less painless by now, but he hadn’t and knowing that didn’t make things any easier. Thus, despite the late, or early (depending on your perspective of the wee small hours of the morning), hour Tai was still awake in his bed, unable to sleep as he hadn’t been able to sleep last night due to the stabbing pains in his knee. He’d taken the industrial strength painkillers, whatever they were, that the doc had prescribed for him, which had definitely made him drowsy, but didn’t help the pain enough to knock him out.
Thus, in his sleepy wakefulness, he set himself to thinking just why he had decided to try to fix himself now, at this late stage and as much as he wished it wasn’t so, one bright face, gilded by their shared past, kept popping into his head. His parents, thankfully, hadn’t told him about Claire, the other man’s baby, not whilst he had already been in such a foul mood since his return. In fact, the only time he was in a better mood – good would be pushing it – was when Rayen was there, or had just left, even if they had just argued. Maybe that’s what persuaded Mr. and Mrs. Keshawn to keep their mouths shut about the baby, though Tai’s father still had a lot to say about ‘that minx’. That was nothing new, though, he had never liked her when they were dating as teenagers, though Tai couldn’t imagine what the old man had against her now – it’s not like she could distract him from his football anymore.
As he continued to think about this new form of relationship, friendship maybe, with Ray that had developed, he couldn’t help but analyse it further. He couldn’t help but wonder why she still came to see him, but then she always was sweet and so persistent. Thoughts of romance were far from his mind, however as she had already broken his heart once, he wouldn’t let her do it again. Those teenage years, though, they had been good together, and he still hadn’t felt a love so strong as when they were together. Even if it was just a stupid teenage romance, they still had a good one and at least he now realised that it was naïve of both of them to think they would last through college. Maybe that’s what Ray had been thinking when she had ended it. She had always been the sensible one.
“Ugh, who the hell is that?” Tai growled to himself, having just made his bad mood worse with the direction of his thoughts. He leaned over to check the time and frowned, groaning to himself as he swung himself around and got to his feet. He knew that neither of his parents would wake for even this frenzied knocking; both had taken to consuming sleeping pills nightly, for a reason that Tai could not fathom.
“Wait, wait!” he called, through gritted teeth, down the stairs, trying to move a little faster than his limitations would allow. However, he made it eventually and breathed a sigh of relief as he made out the fuzzy shape of someone standing out there through the frosted glass panels. With one swift movement he pulled the door open and stared out, his expression confused as he realised who it was. His dark eyes flicked once up and down her body as he realised that she was dressed in pyjamas under the coat.
“Ray,” he said, surprise and a hint of concern in his voice as he held the door open for her to enter. He pulled at the waistband of the only piece of clothing he was wearing, his sweats, and then raked it through his hair which was stuck up in disarray before closing the door behind the girl. “Is something wrong?”
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Post by Rayen Young on May 27, 2009 20:27:59 GMT -5
It felt funny to Rayen that as she stood on Tai’s porch she realized patience wasn’t one of her virtues, it was a strange time to realize it considering for 8 years she’s been waiting. A different kind of waiting, but waiting none the less. For 8 years she’s waited to be found out in her lie, waited for someone to notice how much Clare looked like her father (which she did), waited for something medical to happen where she would have had to have contacted Tai. Waited and waited and waited, all of it patiently if a little anxiously.
Yet now, standing on the door step Rayen couldn’t wait it showed in the way she pounded on the door.
It was late, or early depending on how you looked at it. Something Ray hadn’t taken into account when she’d rushed out of her house intent on finally telling Tai everything right then and there while she still had the nerve. Had it been the cold light of day she may have called Emily, talked it through and thought out a better way to do what she was about to do; but it wasn’t and she hadn’t. Instead she stepped back on the porch as a light came on and a figure descended the stairs beyond the frosted class of the door.
It was only then Rayen check her watch, way after midnight, no doubt she’d woken him and she remembered from high school that he wasn’t always the best person to wake up. There were ways to wake him to improve his mood, banging on the door at some ungodly hour was not one of them.
Looking at her watched forced her to look at herself, she was a mess. Certainly not the picture of beauty she would have wanted to be when breaking this kind of news, again she realized that was the problem with half though out ideas and spur of the moment plans. Her top was stained with paint from a art session with Clare when she was younger, and her sweats had once belonged to Tai something she hoped he wouldn’t notice upon opening the door. Rayen pulled her coat around her, just in case, as the door opened.
Immediately Ray noticed he look disheveled, sleep worn, and, to her, he still looked handsome. Tai could still make her heart race and her stomach flip just as he had in high school, it was a fact she had noticed every time she had seen him in the past year.
“Tai, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to wake you….I should come back tomorrow.” Rayen stammered as he spoke to her. She was turning on her heel making to leave when he asked if something was wrong. Several things actually, was what she wanted to say, but she didn’t. Rayen turned to face him her eyes on the shoes she hastily pushed her feet into as she’d fled out of her house. “Yes, but right at the same time.” She said pulling her hand from her pocket and pushing her hair back as she looked up at him.
How did you tell someone about their daughter? How did she tell the man she loved she’d lied to him? How could she make up for everything he and Clare had missed?
“Tai, I have to tell you something that I should have said a long time ago.” She said looking at him seriously, “I lied to you when you left.” She told him slipping her hand back into her pocket and pulling the coat tighter too her body. Her eyes never left his, Rayen wasn’t going to be a coward like she had been for the past 8 years she was going to face what she’d done no matter how much it hurt her. No matter how much all this hurt her, Rayen knew she’d hurt two other people a lot more.
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Post by Taiomah Keshawn on Jun 16, 2009 21:55:08 GMT -5
Leaning rather awkwardly on his cane, Tai continued to look over Rayen, wishing that he wasn’t so tired. He had to admit that she looked kind of cute in the raincoat and sweats and the thick socks that he could see bunched up above the neck of her shoes, but his foggy mind knew that she wouldn’t be here unless she had something important to tell him, and that would usually mean that something was wrong. As he thought this his senses sharpened almost immediately, most of the fog of unrealised sleep fading from his brain as he focused on helping his ex-girlfriend in whatever trouble or situation she was in.
“You’re alright, I can’t sleep anyway,” he said, keeping his voice low lest they disturb the neighbours. He held his good hand out and caught her arm before she could flee and frowned at her a little, confused and concerned. “No Rayen, stay – come in. You can tell me what’s wrong.” The thumb of his hand automatically started stroking Rayen’s arm in a comforting manner and he squeezed it a little without thinking, remembering how he used to comfort her when she was upset in the past on a sub-conscious level.
He stood back from the door a little, moving stiffly as he did so, to allow the beautiful young woman access to the house if she chose to accept his invitation inside. However, before she stepped across the threshold, before she even made a move other than to look down, the conversation twisted into a more confusing guise – if that was possible. Tai’s frown deepened even as he looked directly into Rayen’s eyes, his thoughts far away from the light chill that had stolen over his bare chest.
“Ray,” he said, quietly, stalling her from whatever it was she was going to tell him about their past. Did he want to know? The reasons for her staying had always sounded a bit odd to him, she was so clever, she could have done so much more and she had wanted to as well. Had someone forced her to stay? Was there another guy that she had decided to stay with at the time? But why bring that up now? He knew that they were trying to make a fresh start as friends, but did they really need to bring up the ghosts of the past to do so? If she was cheating on him while they were so in love then he wasn’t sure he wanted to know, ever. The thought that he might be a father never entered his mind.
“You’re freezing,” he told her, his voice sounding slightly tight as he sensed the gravity of the conversation to follow, and he held his hand out and took hers without thinking to lead her into the house, though in reality she could walk a lot better and easier without his ‘help’ these days. “And this isn’t a doorstep conversation, is it?”
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Post by Rayen Young on Jun 17, 2009 11:24:04 GMT -5
The first thought that struck her when Tai opened the door was how tired he looked, Rayen knew it was late and she’d probably woken him but she knew this had to be done now. His sleep filled features still gave him the air of the teenage boy she’d fallen in love with. He still made her heart flutter and at any other time the mere sight of him would have brought a smile to her face, but now she was too worried and wound up. When she looked up at Tai again she realized his features had sharpened, he looked more awake as if her words had woken him, his eyes focused one her. Rayen couldn’t hold his eyes like that for long.
Other people were sleeping and voices carried easily across the open ground of the reservation Rayen noted Tai’s voice was low and she repeated his tone when she spoke. I couldn’t sleep either, I got to thinking…about us.” Rayen let the word us hang in the air, there was so many us she’d been thinking about; her and Claire, her and Tai, her, Tai and Claire. It was hard for Rayen to look at Tai knowing she was denying him his own ‘us’ with Claire.
His thumb making circles on her arm instantly sent her back to high school and the few times she’d fallen into his arms for comfort and support, he still knew how to comfort her. Rayen looked down at his hand on her arm, it felt nice and it still felt right. Looking up at his face Rayen saw Claire reflected back at her and she knew she couldn’t back out of this. She nodded, “Yea” She said in a hushed tone dropping her eyes again, it wasn’t an agreement to enter just an acknowledgment of the offer.
As Rayen muddled on cryptically with what she wanted to say she let her eyes roam over Tai. His body was more developed then it had been in high school, a little looser too but still toned. She remembered what it felt like to run her hands over that chest, she could almost remember the exact touch of his body the day Claire had been conceived. She wanted to look away again as she thought about her daughter, their daughter, but she was drawn to the frown that was deepening on his face. She wandered what he was thinking about what she was trying to tell him, none of this was going to be easy.
As he said her name she had a feeling he was trying to stall her from tell him what had happened when he left, in a way she appreciated the chance to stall this news. It was going to be a hard thing to tell Tai, even hard since Ray realized she was still in love with him it was that love that brought her to tell him. She didn’t know how she was going to tell him; she wasn’t sure what to say or how he’s react. Looking up at Tai she shook her head knowing she couldn’t let him stall her for fear she’d completely back out. “No Tai, I have to tell you this now. I’ve kept it from you for too long.” She told him hearing the slight crack in her voice as she spoke. She told herself not to cry, she wasn’t the one who would be hurt by this she knew she was the one who had done the hurting.
It was cold standing out there on the porch, Ray knew Tai must be feeling it more then her with his bare chest and feet. She nodded as he remarked about the temperature, “Yea, I’m cold.” She admitted letting him lead her over the thresh hold of the house. She didn’t lean on him knowing his strength wasn’t full, but mainly because she didn’t want to comfort herself with his closeness. “No, this isn’t a doorstep conversation.” She agreed moving into the sitting room and looking at the pictures of Tai as she had the first time she’d come to visit him on his return to the rez.
“Tai, when you left I kept something from you.” She started saying as he entered the room. She felt drained and on edge at the prospect of tell him this news, long over due news. “You might want to sit down, this is big.” She said trying to stall the news once more.
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Post by Taiomah Keshawn on Jun 19, 2009 20:12:53 GMT -5
The very faintest traces of a frown creased Tai’s brow as Rayen began to say that she had turned her thoughts to them. As far as he was concerned they were more than over, that era was well in the past; any ‘them’ that there was left was a bare remnant of what they once were, what they once could have been. In that split second he supposed closer to the truth than he ever had before as his mind wondered what they would be doing right now if their relationship had lasted. He imagined playing football with his son; he wouldn’t have been so reckless on the field if he had someone to come home to afterwards.
However, he knew that was pointless daydreaming and he wondered exactly what about ‘them’ had brought Rayen to his house at this hour, what couldn’t be discussed in the morning. A burning interest mixed with confusion shone in his eye as he continued to stare at her with his steady gaze, noticing how she couldn’t hold it for some reason. An uneasy feeling assaulted his stomach, but he remained silent; he had no idea what this could be about and he knew that second guessing would probably be a big mistake.
Did she want to get back together with him? Tai had acknowledged that he did feel a degree of the old love for his ex-girlfriend, and maybe they could make another effort at being an item, but since Ray had come back into his life he had realised what a bad place he was in just then and he knew that it would be unfair to both of them, to their relationship, to try to start anything yet. He glanced down at his own hand on Rayen’s arm and noticed that he was possibly being more familiar with her than he ought to be, but she didn’t seem to resist his comforting touch and he was happy enough to give it until he learnt more about what had brought her here in such a confused state.
“Alright,” he agreed, licking his lips and swallowing, his throat suddenly dry as he realised that whatever it was that his ex was here to talk to him about was serious enough to warrant unsociable hours and complete focus. And apparently it was something about the old ‘them’. Tai’s thoughts once again turned to their relationship as teenagers and he immediately began to prepare himself for the worst – to be told that she had been seeing someone else, or that he was the reason that she never went to college and got stuck on the Reservation. However, as he heard the crack in her voice, his heart melted once more. Perhaps it was all the reminiscing about the past that was making him react so tenderly to her now, but whatever it was, Tai found it difficult to ignore. He caught her eyes with his, trying to trap them in the same way as he often did as a teenager when he wanted to make her feel like she was the only person in the room, and looked at her seriously. “Ray, whatever it is… We’ll work through it – I’ll work through it.”
It was only the cane that prevented him from reaching around Rayen and offering her what he could by his arm’s body heat as they walked through to the sitting room. It was odd, he even found it odd, how automatically his body still responded to the woman’s presence and moods. Yet, even as they sat down on the battered old sofa at Ray’s solemn behest, Tai felt nerves assault his stomach, making his fingers tingle. He leant his right arm on his right knee and looked at Ray, licking his lips once more, not sure that he wanted to know what it was that she had felt the need to keep a secret for so many years, but knowing that she felt the need to tell him now.
“You can tell me, Rayen,” he said, his voice growing husky with the low level of his tone and he rested his eyes upon his ex’s face, looking expectantly at her. “What did you keep from me?”
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Post by Rayen Young on Jun 25, 2009 22:41:02 GMT -5
Ever since Tai had returned to the Reservation Rayen had been spending more and more time with him. Even when she wasn’t with him she was thinking about him both as he was now and as he and they had been before. Along with the thinking was the guilt of keeping such a terrible secret. And some where mixed in with everything were Rayen’s daydreams of her and Tai back together and Claire having a mom and dad. Could that happen after she told him the truth tonight? Could he ever forgive her?
Enjoying Tai’s touch Rayen wondered if she could lie, say she missed him or that she needed to ask him something. Another lie? Rayen knew she couldn’t lie again when she was so close to finally tell him the truth. She smiled at the feel of his touch relishing in it for what she was sure would be their last physical contact; how could he want to touch her once she told him the extent of her lying?
Rayen wondered what thoughts all this could be triggering within him. The last thing she wanted was to worry him, to make him doubt anything they had had or still had. She saw him swallow and lick his lips instantly linking them to hidden and worry and doubt confusion. Rayen reached up pushing her hair behind both of her ears before continuing with her line of thought; she was still unprepared for the words that were no doubt coming.
When she did speak, her voice cracked. The words were harder to say and Rayen wondered if she couldn’t start the conversation with out the thread of tears, how she would finish it? A part of Rayen wanted to be gathered into his arms and held, she needed his comfort and the hand on her arm was only making her crave his contact more. When Tai’s eyes locked on her she tried to look away to look at her feet, the house, the sky; anywhere but at him. That look in High school would make her heart flutter and every part of her body ache for him; it still had that effect. “I hope you’re sill saying We when I’ve told you all this Tai.” Rayen said voicing her hopes out loud. “Please I never did this to hurt you.” He had to know that, Ray needed him to know she hadn’t done any of this to spite him. Even when making her decision, her wrong decision, she had still be in love with him and thinking of him.
The house seemed oppressive and judgmental, both emotions that Rayen knew she was imagining yet they both felt as if they were emanating from the walls. Pulling her coat around her Rayen folded her arms across her chest and made her way into the familiar family room. The room was one she knew almost as well as her own sitting room, it was a room she’d studied in, fought in and cried in. Now it would be a room for revelations.
After instructing Tai to sit Rayen stayed standing, she wanted to make an escape if she needed to and she wanted to keep a distance between them as she spoke. Rayen unfolded and refolded her hands as she switched her weight from foot to foot. Her eyes flitted around the room; the warn carpet, the faded sofa, then resting on each of the pictures in the room. Almost ever picture was of Tai as he grew, most of them Rayen could remember. When her eyes moved back to Tai she saw he was looking at her.
It was time to be honest.
In all the years since he’s left and more since he return Rayen had rehearsed the speech a million times and a million different ways. His voice was huskey as he spoke and it reminded Rayen of other times he’d spoken in that tone, years ago; when Claire was created. “Its not what, Tai. It was who.” Rayen started carefully. She forced herself to look at him knowing she had to face him to say all she had to say.
Taking a deep breath Rayen pushed it out with a sad sigh. “Tai, when you left for college. Even before you left, though not long before. I was pregnant.” Rayen felt her voice crack as tears well up into her eyes. “I had your child and I kept it from you. I kept your daughter from you. I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t…I mean I know it sounds empty, but I mean it.” Rayen’s cheeks were wet and the words tumbled out without order or sense, but they were said. She couldn’t stop the tears and her breath heaved as she waited for his reaction; what could a man say to that?
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Post by Taiomah Keshawn on Jul 3, 2009 21:06:34 GMT -5
Tai’s eyes never left Rayen as she fidgeted uneasily and as he watched her push her hair behind her ears, his own unease grew. He had already pondered over all the possibilities of what could be irking her to the point of knocking on his door at this hour and now he feared that it was something else, something worse than he could even imagine. He tried to shake the paranoia by telling himself that was all it was, but there was something about the way that his ex was standing there in her coat, some familiar sweats and fuzzy socks encased in shoes that was disturbing. He fought the urge to quiet her down and live life in what he assumed would be a blissful ignorance of whatever had gone on in the old days, but she seemed to need to get this off her chest.
He had already made up his mind that if she had cheated on him in high school then he would forgive her, if she was married he would forgive her, if she had actually gone off to college without him knowing he would forgive her. Yet he still worried about what he might not have been able to second guess. He tried to convince himself that it couldn’t be anything too life-altering, otherwise his parents would have known and told him before now. He felt an odd freezing sensation pass over his stomach as he heard his ex’s voice break and she began to get defensive before she had even said what the issue was.
“Ray,” he said, hardly being able to feel the words emerging from his lips. “I’ve said it before, but whatever it is, whatever you did back then, it’s in the past now, you can tell me.” He attempted to comfort her even whilst he had no idea what she was being troubled about, but the words also served to comfort him a little. The wooden cane that he leant on was a stark reminder that high school was a life time ago and whatever had transpired there was mired solely in the past. Oh, he knew that he had the tendency to hold a grudge and to sulk over things that didn’t go his way, but even he had managed to let the past go to a certain extent.
From his position atop the battered sofa in his living room, Tai watched Rayen’s level of fidgeting increase exponentially and he eyed her with a little uncertainty. He kept trying to comfort her and reassure her that everything would be alright, that nothing would change when she finally admitted what it was that she did when they were kids, but there was something about this night that smacked of change. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but his nerves were now on tender hooks and he only had eyes for the brunette before him.
“Oh,” he said, simply, the single syllable ushering a sigh of air through his lips and he dropped his dark eyes from hers in order to hide the rush of unexpected hurt that ignited. So it was another guy then. Tai’s exposed muscles tensed as he fought emotion, knowing that it was idiotic to hold something like that against her after so long. He was just disappointed that the intense love he thought they had shared with each other back then was apparently… one sided.
As he registered his ex begin speaking again after a deep breath, he forced himself to look back up at her, wondering what else she had to say on the matter. What she said next shocked him to the gills, though, knocking his breath away for a moment. His head span with the news, suddenly realising how wrong he had been and yet all he could do was stare at her mutely, shocked. He blinked a couple of times whilst he remained stock still on his sofa, the only thing setting him apart from a statue was the heaving of his chest as he sucked in air.
“Wh-what?” he finally stuttered, his mind unable to process the information as he stared up at Rayen with blank, black eyes.
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Post by Rayen Young on Jul 7, 2009 23:16:11 GMT -5
Rayen could feel his eyes focused on only her and the feeling didn’t make her feel the way it had in High school. Now the feeling made her feel more guilty and nervous about the whole situation. Rayen knew Tai must suspect she had something big to tell him. In his time back on the reservation they’d been casual and friendly with each other. Her turning up on his door step at such a later, or early hour, was not in keeping with their light new friendship. Rayen knew the information she had to tell him would change their friendship and probably their whole relationship. Once more Rayen reached up and pushed her hair back behind her ears, she rubbed her face then brought her hands back down shoving them hard into her pockets as she forced herself to look at Tai.
Standing there on the Tai’s porch about to tell him her biggest secret Rayen realized she’d told him nothing about herself and her life while he’d been away. She wondered what his parents had told him or what gossip around the Rez had filled him in on. Those around the Rez assumed, like her parents had been told, that Clare was the product of a fling after breaking up with Tai. Rayen never corrected them or told them otherwise, it was all part of protecting Tai. Would he forgive her for protecting him?
Rayen wanted to just tell him, but she fought with how to tell him. It was the same argument that had been going through her head since he’d returned to the reservation. How to tell him and then how to tell Claire? Her voice cracked when she spoke up, she hated her weakness. After all the time she’d had to think about this she hated that she couldn’t say her coming words with more strength. With the rush of emotions Rayen though about how Tai used to comfort her, she remember the feel of been in his arms and close to his body.
When Tai spoke and used her nick name Ray couldn’t help but smile, it reminded her of all their time together happy and other. When she looked at him Rayen still saw the man she’d love through out high school. Each time Ray had come to see Tai seeing him had always been the hard part, every time she looked at Tai she saw Claire in his laugh, smile and even pouting frown.
What she did back then, she wondered if Tai would really be able to put her lie behind him as easy as he seemed to be making it out. Could he forgive her keeping their daughter a secret? “Tai, the past can still affect us.” Rayen said carefully, using his own nickname as he’d used hers. It was the familiarity of nicknames that both scared and spurred Ray on towards her task.
As they moved into the living room Rayen tried not to focus on the baby pictures, Claire was so much like her father. Shifting her weight from foot to foot Ray fiddled with her hands that alternated from her pockets to in front of her. Looking at Tai only increased her nervousness and her twitching, but she felt her eyes drawn to him.
Rayen heard his sighed response to her short conflicting answer. She watched his muscles tense and knew he was thinking the who was another guy. There was never another man for her, not then and not now. Since seeing him again Rayen had realized she still had a lot of feelings for him, the most intense been love. “No Tai, its not what you think.” Rayen said trying to back track her words and keep Tai as open as possible for that she had to say next.
His shock was evident as Rayen finally said the words that were years over due. He remained quiet, his blinking was his only movement and in that time Ray never took her eyes off him. She wasn’t going to look away and back down from this news and its reaction. Rayen gripped the side of her sweats as she waited for him to speak and show any reaction. It was a shock, she remembered her finding out she was going to be a parent it was a big thing to take in.
“Tai I’m sorry, I should have told you then but you had college and football.” Rayen stammered knowing she should have told him, she shouldn’t have kept him from his child. “She looks like you.” Rayen said with a sad smile as she looked towards the pictures lining the walls. Thinking of her daughter made her smile, she saw her in her minds eye tucked up in bed oblivious to all that was happening. Their daughter, she repeated the words in her mind.
“I’m sorry Tai.” She said again knowing no matter how many times she said it she would still feel the guilt for their missed years.
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Post by Taiomah Keshawn on Nov 5, 2009 18:59:19 GMT -5
For whatever reason, whether it was protecting their son’s feelings or from disinterest or even gratefulness that the reservation teenage mom hadn’t been made so by Tai, Tai’s parents had never mentioned Rayen’s daughter to him. He hadn’t exactly been the most social butterfly in Neah Bay since he had gotten back neither, not liking to go far on with his cane, though the social stigma had less meaning to him now since he had started being friendly with his ex again and had been proactive with his physio had seeing his doctor. He had no suspicion of Claire’s existence whatsoever.
However, without any clue of what could have unbalanced Rayen so much as to come around so early and look so nervous, Tai worried for her, for their budding friendship. He tilted his head a little bit, reflecting Ray’s smile back at her encouragingly. He found himself fighting the urge to drop the cane, balance his weight on his good leg and take her into his arms to offer her support, while he was moderately confident about taking the news that she cheated on him back in high school in his stride. Well, appear to take it in his stride anyway, he could tell that if his suspicions were true it would hurt like hell. He freely admitted to himself that she had been the love of his life, and he highly doubted that he would feel so intensely about anyone else in his life.
“It might hurt a bit now,” he told her, keying her into where his thoughts were heading at the minute. However, he broke the slight vulnerability of his tone by showing her a tiny, non-accusatory grin. “But I’m sure we can move past it. I sorta like having you in my life again… Even dad admits that you’ve been good for me since I got back…”
When Ray actually told her secret, Tai felt as if all the wind had been knocked out of him. His life was changing at a rate of knots and he had no control of it. At first he just had to deal with the thought that she had cheated and not only that, but had sex with him, whoever he was, whilst they were still together. Then it registered that she said that she’d had his baby, a concept that his mind just could not accept lightly. He stared up at Rayen, his entire vision tunnelling in on her, on what his life could have been if she had told him. As his brain tried to keep up with the revelations, he focused in closely on his ex, so mixed up that he couldn’t figure out how to react and so he just went blank.
“You’re right,” he said, his voice hard as the muscles in his jaw tensed and his eyes turned to steel. “You should have told me. I lo- You were way more important to me than football and college and all that, I would have followed you to the end of the earth and yet you didn’t even respect me enough to tell me that you were having my daughter!” He was getting more irate as the situation clicked more firmly into his head, his tone growing more intense and growly rather than loud. He clenched his jaw to stop himself from ranting anymore, though the pent up anger needed to be exercised somehow.
He stood straight up from the couch, the shock giving enough numbness to take his leg out of the picture for all of two seconds. As soon as his knees snapped straight his bum leg gave and he was only saved from a total collapse by quickly grabbing hold on the arm of the couch on his way down . He growled softly, annoyed at himself, at his leg, at Rayen, at life in general – he couldn’t help but feel betrayed by it all. He picked his cane up from where it had been slung earlier and leaned heavily on it, gripping it tightly in place of pacing. His dark eyes found Rayen’s once more, deeply hurt. “It’s been years, Rayen… How could you not tell me until now? Why even tell me now? Jeez.”
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Post by Rayen Young on Nov 10, 2009 14:41:28 GMT -5
In all the time they’d spent together in the past year tai had never spoken about Claire or asked about any child he may have seen her with. To her own end ray had never offered any clues, information or even existence about their daughter. It was lucky, though Rayen rarely thought so, that Claire spent a lot of time on the la Push rez with Emily, Quil and the other ‘protectors’. That would be another thing ray would have to clue Tai in on, but something that was far harder to fathom then the sudden appearance of a child he had no clue about. Of course even before she thought about explaining Quil and Claire’s connection there was facing tai’s parents, the very people who hated her through out high school would now no doubt hate her more for keeping the child from them. Ray could face anything they threw at her, but she wouldn’t stand for anyone insulting, hurting or looking down on her daughter.
This night would be such a change. When they walked away everything would be different and Rayen worried for what all that could mean. She’d realized very quickly that the feelings she’d had for tai in high school had never gone away or even diminished, she knew she still loved him. This could change whatever he felt for her and she knew it could change what she felt for him. Although she would and couldn’t blame him if he decided to walk away from her, Claire and the Rez she knew that would change how she viewed him as a man, father and lover.
When he’d left the first time, the lie she told him was to make the break up complete and total now she had to go back on that and explain it. Even as she entered the room and saw his face as he spoke the few words he did Rayen knew he was thinking about that what she’d told him. Her lie of sleeping with another man broke his heart and her’s even though she knew it was a lie, to lie to him had been the worst part. To push him away as she carried their child, her only help had been convincing herself it was for the best.
More then anything that had happened recently Ray enjoyed been back in Tai’s life too. There was a spring in her step and she smiled more, she felt like the old Ray again. His grin made her flash her own watered down smile, she couldn’t offer more strength in the smile not now when she knew what had to be said. “I like us been back in each other’s lives too, but I’m not really sure how long this pain will last.” She said honestly as she pushed her hair back. Hearing his dad’s view on her visits made her laugh alittle, it had never been a secret that Mr Keshawn didn’t like her. “Maybe he’s mellowing in his old age?” She offered dropping her hands.
The words we’re out. Strangely Ray felt numb as if they’d been said by someone else and she’d merely been in the room at the time. She couldn’t feel any lifted wait or physically sigh from her being, there was no relax deep within. It wasn’t like she’d expected, nor was it any easier to be there in the room. Looking back at Tai she saw her words hit him and watched his face seem to shimmer through a myriad of emotions and feelings, she imagined it was much like what her face had looked like when she’d look at the positive pregnancy text in the girl’s bathroom. Then his face fell blank and Rayen felt her heart plummet, blank meant nothing and nothing meant just that. Didn’t he believe her? Did he think she was trapping him? He’d only have to look at Claire to see himself in her like Ray saw him in their daughter every day since birth. Her mind screamed at her to say something, but he spoke first.
His words were hard; Rayen couldn’t blame him not for his reaction to what she’d kept from him. Now she saw it was so far beyond keeping Claire form him for his career, she’d denied him all the amazing things she’d been able to have even as she’d missed out on the life she could have had with him. “It wasn’t a matter of respect Tai, I know you’d have followed me anywhere and given up everything for me. That was why I couldn’t tell you, you deserved to be the best you could be and giving all that up to be a teenage father wasn’t what I wanted for you.” She pushed the words out as hard as she could trying to feel and project the same conviction she’d had as a teen when she’d made the decision to keep their child from him. Rayen watched the clench of his jaw she’d seen that look as a teen when he’d aimed it at his dad for criticizing his plays on the field or an opposing player for a move the ref had missed, she’d never seen it aimed at herself. There were no words she could off as they look froze her. As his attempt to stand stumbled him and he wavered back to the sofa Rayen reached for him, she didn’t know if he would even let her touch him or want her help of touch, but her movement was too slow and he was already standing again this time with the use of his cane. Ray moved closer to him hoping the closeness of her body to him would change some of the tension or at least remove the need to shout so as not to wake his parents, Ray was sure their reaction would be just a volatile. Now when he looked at her Ray saw the pain, but she didn’t drop his eyes she hoped he could see the apology and hurt in her own eyes.
He used her full name something she’d rarely heard from him and she knew just how much trouble that one lie all those years ago had caused along with the avalanche of lies it started. “Almost 8, she’ll be 8 years old in a couple of months.” Ray said softly her voice full of cracks from the expelled emotion, she wasn’t even sure he’d want to know the pointless information she tossed out. “I know why it had to be right now, but ever since you came back I’ve wanted to tell you more and more. I’ve wanted to call and tell you every day since she was born, but I wanted you to have your chance at the big time with football.” Rayen could remember moments when she’d picked up the phone and almost completed a call to him; Claire’s first steps, her first fall, her first words all things she knew they should have faced together. “I’m telling you now because she’s yours, Tai and I know how wrong I was to keep you two apart even if I thought it was for the best.”
Standing in the middle of Keshawn living room Ray wondered what she had really hoped to achieve coming to him so late in the whole mess. “She’s amazing, beautiful and smart. And she has ever bit of your energy.” Rayen said looking up at the ceiling as she felt the tears pool in her eyes, she wasn’t going to let the emotion out for fear he’d think it was a ploy to get on his good side. “She’s a total mix of you and me and a complete tom boy. I can’t make any of this up to you, but I want to try and start to fix it. I want you to meet her, we don’t have to tell her you’re her dad yet just see her Tai.” Rayen’s words tumbled out as more tears silently slid down her cheeks as she thought of Tai meeting their daughter for the first time.
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